I missed it by that much.
On July 30th (this morning) beginning at 8 a.m., a crew from the TLC reality series Cake Boss was on hand at the south end of Monument Circle in downtown Indianapolis handing out ten thousand 8-inch cakes to any and all comers, totally free of charge. In addition to raising overall Cake Boss awareness in the local citizenry, this sugary publicity stunt promoted the line of Cake Boss Cakes rolling out at Kroger Supermarkets nationwide. No eyewitnesses have come forward to testify as to whether or not the free cake line included any of downtown’s homeless population, nor do we know if this free sample has convinced them to begin shopping at Kroger.
The Cake Boss himself also appeared in person from 10:30 to noon for photo ops with the fans, or maybe with really grateful freeloaders who just thought he seemed cute. Around that same time frame I happened to look out my window at work and noticed the downtown traffic achieving a rare moment of lunchtime gridlock. I suspect a causal connection.
According to the official press releases, the Cake Boss crew planned to hand out free cakes from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., or while supplies lasted. My understanding derived from casual eavesdropping is that the copious cake supply was depleted somewhere around 11-ish. My reaction: dull surprise.
On my lunch break I walked down to the Circle shortly after 1 p.m. so I could personally assess the scene and confirm for myself that the cakes were all gone. Alas, such was the case. The only remaining telltale signs of the occasion were a few large tents, several empty tables that once held stacks upon stacks of baked goods, a few straggling passersby hanging around in an effort to prolong the magic of the moment, and the railings that once guided ten thousand local residents to their freebies.
A tiny voice in my head had secretly hoped I would arrive just in time to scoop up free cake #9,994 as a surprise gift for my family and/or a trophy to display here for MCC readers. I can’t say this represents a major disappointment for me. I’ve never seen the show. I watch very, very few reality shows. Most cakes kinda bore me. I’m not a regular Kroger shopper. And I couldn’t even tell you the Cake Boss’ real name without Googling it. Is it…Vince? Larry? Emilio? Bob Harper? Wait, no, Bob’s like the polar opposite of the Cake Boss.
If they’d started the handouts at 7 a.m. instead of 8, I might’ve considered it just for random fun. I can handle the boredom and discomfort of waiting in long lines. I once waited five hours in an appallingly mismanaged line just for Star Wars convention merchandise. Ultimately, I had to abstain due to the high risk of being late for work. I couldn’t neglect my responsibilities in good conscience for the sake of a free dessert that’s probably not healthy for me anyway. If I were that desperate for cake, a box of Betty Crocker mix requires only a few bucks and less than an hour’s worth of kitchen toil. Better still, I could skip cake and bake a batch of amazing Betty Crocker brownies instead.
Though my round-trip walk to Monument Circle ended with me effectively cakeless, I did get two things out of it:
1. The above souvenir photo of a post-apocalyptic wasteland in which free cakes have gone extinct.
2. Some much-needed exercise. And it was free!
